Either a delightful free spirit or total whack job
Some friends and I recently discussed things you do when no one is around to hear/see you.
I never realized how insane my “alone time activities” are.
Of course, my primary solo act is drinking. It may seem sad, but for me, drinking alone is one of the best things I do. If I stay at home with a bottle of gin, I a) save money and b) save face. The only thing I have to worry about is when I start drunk calling people (usually in an attempt to get them to come over and have sex with me). But as long as I hide my phone before I start boozing, I’m good to go.
Oddly, I don’t think of that as strange. But the other things I do when I’m alone…
Like most women, I spend a lot of time in front of the mirror. Practice the pouts and doe-eyed come-hither looks. Yes fellas, women rehearse that shit. It takes a surprising amount of work to perfect that “I’m just an innocent little girl with a slow, sleepy smile and a startlingly sexy glint in her eyes…don’t you wanna buy me a drink?” look.
Other mirror activities include the “Why don’t I pull all my hair up like…This?” the “Blow my stomach out real far to see what I’d look like pregnant,” followed by the “Suck in my gut ’till it almost looks like I have a six pack,” and the “I don’t need a boob job, do I?”
Do guys do this? Just wondering. Anyway, the mirror stuff’s pretty typical for a chick.
But I also dance in my bed. Note: I’m not dancing on my bed, ala 1980’s teen sex romp film. I’m laying down, trying to sleep, listening to music, and I’ll start some weird horizontal twitching. Though if a really good song comes on, I’ll jump up and bounce around in the dark until the song ends or I stub my toe on a pile of shoes.
I like to read Dorothy Parker aloud in a dry, cigarette and scotch soaked voice. I like to act out the “movies in my head”. These can be previously produced movies that I insert myself into, but most of the time, it’s movies that haven’t been made and never will be. I’m usually a hardbitten mercenary swordswoman, a hardbitten spaceship pilot, or a hardbitten killer-for-hire. Sometimes I have magical powers. Sometimes I’m a princess.
I talk to myself (I do this when I’m not alone, as well). I talk to people I know that aren’t actually there, in scenarios that are highly unlikely to ever occur.
When it rains, I run outside and spin around trying to catch raindrops on my tongue.
I pose for artistic and stylish photographs, even though I don’t own a camera. I apply perfume and sniff my wrists. I yell at the television. I pretend I’m in music videos. I imagine meeting somebody famous and having them fall in love with me.
I imagine meeting somebody who’s not famous and having them fall in love with me.
That’s the sort of thing I do when I’m all alone.
But for the most part, I just drink.
Oh, and watch porn.