Dichotomy
The Management hereby announces the penalties for the following statements:
“Deep down, you’re not that tough.” “You only act all hard-bitten to keep people from getting close to you.” “I know that underneath it all you’re a softy.”
Penalty: I stab you in the eye with a fork
“Jesus, you really don’t have any feelings at all, do you?” “You just hate romance and love and anything nice.” “You’re not interested in a normal relationship.”
Penalty: Either a nut-slap or a titty twister, depending on gender.
It’s like this, kids: Yes, that crusty exterior is for real, and no, I’m not just moments away from melting into a little puddle of emotion. I don’t like talking about my feelings. I am a cynical bitch.
But I’m not completely heartless, and like pretty much everybody else in the world I would like to have someone who enjoys being with me on a regular (and periodically naked) basis. But I have different standards and “non-traditional” ways of traversing the horrible train wreck that human relationships can be.
Think of it this way…I’m not a an ice princess, frozen straight through. Nor am I a cherry cordial, with some sickenly sweet gooey center.
I’m nougat, okay? Firm, but flexible. A hard candy coating, and underneath that…Nougat.
Just…Nougat.
Now I want a candy bar.