3 Reasons I’ll Die Alone
1. Lack of Enthusiasm
Him 1: Hey, Karla…I don’t know how to tell you this…But, um…I don’t want to see you anymore.
Me: Okay.
Him 1: What?
Me: Okay. You know, it’s cool.
Him 1: That’s it? That’s all you have to say???
Me: Why are you getting upset? You said you didn’t want to see me anymore and I said it’s okay.
Him 1 (sounding upset): I’m not upset! I just didn’t think it’d be that easy.
Me: Yeah, it pretty much is.
Him 1: (indignant silence)
Me: Um…I’m sorry?
2. Lack of Nurturing Instincts
Him 2: Hey, that feels really nice and all, but you’d better stop or I’m gonna want to fuck you.
Me: Well, yeah, that’s kinda the –
Him 2: It’s just that I’m really confused right now, and I just feel so hopeless all the time, you know, like I don’t know what I’m doing with my life and…
Me: Are you crying? Jesus christ.
Him 2 (turning over in bed to face the wall): God, the only way you even qualify as a woman is because you have a vagina!
Me: Holy shit, I can’t believe you’re crying!
3. Lack of Any Common Fucking Sense
Him 3: Hey you wanna do something stupid?
Me: …Yes.*
(Later, sitting naked on the floor amid the wreckage of what used to be my bed)
Him 3: Oh man, sorry about that. Think you can fix it?
(Much later)
Him 3: Well I better go. But like I said, my girlfriend and I on the rocks right now, so it’s okay. I’m probably moving out soon, anyway.
Me: That’s cool.
Really, it’s not the dying alone that bothers me. It’s the 20-30 years between now and then that are gonna be a bitch.
*Note: Karla Pacheco has never answered the question “Wanna do something stupid” with any answer other than “yes.”