Letter to the Powers that Be
Dear Sirs,
I am hereby requesting an upgrade of my relationship status from “Placeholder” to “Standard.” While recognizing that my previous experience with Standard Relationships has been sketchy at best, I feel confident that my tenure as a professional Placeholder has given me the valuable skills to move on.
I have successfully consoled the recently dumped, provided physical release to the indecisive, and prepared many an individual for a lifetime of love with other people. Case study 1: The last subject I “dated” (two years ago, I might add) was Mr. B. Anderson, who reconciled with his ex-wife only 6 weeks after our relationship began. He was happily returned to his former spouse and golden retriever in pristine condition.
Case Study 2: Mr. E. Legzdins, who fell in love with a girl he met in a bookstore just days after sexual contact with me. Naturally this is reminiscent of Mr. J. Leonard, who found his soul-mate exactly 24 hours after I gave him the first multiple orgasm of his life.
I have included affidavits from the 6 individuals who slept with me before discovering that they no longer wished to sleep with my gender. Likewise included is the synopsis of the 5 month period where I provided solace (both emotional and sexual) to Mr. R. Johnson during the traumatic dissolution of his previous relationship. I would like to point out that I was exceptionally understanding of his “need to be alone right now” up to and including the point where he found someone he really wanted to date.
As a Placeholder, I have proven my ability to open hearts and seminal passages for other people. A Standard Relationship upgrade is, I believe, not only well deserved, but long overdue.
Sincerely,
Karla M. Pacheco
P.S. I understand that if you are unable to fulfill my request at this time, you may be able to supply a Friend With Benefits. The BF4-E requisition form is attached.