Unfuckingbelievable
Jay couldn’t believe his luck. His friends couldn’t believe his luck.
“She’s really gonna go for it?” “Dude! How’d you set that up?”
Jay demurred with the modestly smug grin of a man who is suddenly the coffee room Alpha male. When pressed though, he had to admit he was just as surprised as the rest of them.
“Well, I really can’t even remember how it came up. I mean, I know I’ve always thought about it and shit…Who hasn’t? But when we started talking about it I remembered all that shit that they always tell you to say to a girl in that situation . You know, that shit in Maxim and stuff. Be all intrigued and curious and everything, but if you act too interested it’ll creep her out.
“Man. I can’t fucking believe this, dude. Unfuckingbelievable.”
“Right? I mean, I had no idea that that shit would actually work.”
“So who’s it gonna be?”
“Well in the magazines they always said you have to let the girl pick. So when it started looking like Becky was really gonna go for it, I kinda joked about whether she would rather have a friend in it or someone we don’t know. At first she thought someone new would be better, but eventually she decided that she wouldn’t be as comfortable. So she asked her friend Sandra. You know, the tall one with the really long hair.”
“God, Jay. This is the coolest thing ever. You’re the man, man. I mean, I can’t believe you got your girlfriend to agree to…”
What? What did Becky agree to? Choose your own ending from the following:
A) Ironic Twist Ending:
“…agree to buy a three person canoe and take a rafting trip down the Colorado river. That is sooooo sweet.”
“I know. It’s gonna be awesome. Why’d you say “agree to” twice?”
B) Cruelly Ironic Twist Ending:
“…agree to a threesome. That is sooooo sweet.”
“I know. It’s gonna be awesome. Why’d you say “agree to” twice?”
“I have a stutter.”
That night, Jay got off work early. He picked up some scented candles, a nice bottle of wine, and a new pair of boxer shorts. Becky and Sandra worked at the same downtown boutique, and had agreed to come straight home after their shift. When they arrived, there was a good deal of giggling and tentative flirting. Halfway through the bottle of wine, Sandra leaned over and kissed Jay. He looked up quickly, to check on Becky. She was smiling approvingly and stroking Sandra’s thigh.
They moved into the bedroom, and Jay mentally prepared himself for what was sure to be the most memorable night ever. He tried to freeze every moment into his brain for the story he’d have to tell for the rest of his life. The girls began slowly undressing. Jay reached for his belt buckle.
“What are you doing?” Sandra asked. “Well, I’m…” “Oh no, honey,” said Becky, “We don’t want you here.” “What?” “No, babe…we want you to leave. Go into the living room or something.”
Jay thought for a moment. “Are you a lesbian?”
“Of course not!” Becky laughed, “It’s just that neither Sandra nor I find you sexually attractive.” “Yeah,” piped Sandra, “From all accounts, you’re a great boyfriend and provider. But neither of us wants to fuck you.”
“Oh.” Jay stood for a moment, holding his hands awkwardly by his belt. “If that’s the way you want it…” The girls had already turned away from him, caught up in each other, passionately touching and kissing. He coughed nervously. “Can I at least watch?” Becky shot him a quick look of pity and disgust, her tongue rammed down Sandra‘s throat. “Okay, well. Um. I guess I’ll just…yeah.”
Jay returned to the living room and picked up the wine glasses. He rinsed them before carefully putting them away and returning to the couch. He spent the night watching a Green Acres” marathon on Nick-at-Nite.
(note: This was the original ending of the story before the author realized it resembled an episode of “Friends.”)
C) Completely Un-Ironic Ending:
“…agree to a threesome. That is sooooo sweet.”
“I know. It’s gonna be awesome. Why’d you say …?” And at that, Jay pulled out a large machete and slashed his co-worker to death.
Upon returning home, he fucked the living hell out of two sweet ladies and their beautiful vaginas. It was the best night of his life.