I go back to my most successful well - New Secret Celebrity Scientologists! There’s also a handy Scientology Star chart for those of you trying to keep track of who’s recruiting whom.
Megan Fox is hot. Dumb, but hot.
New York Times reporter escapes Taliban compound after seven months in captivity
Bad-ass reporter tells Huffington Post link-monkeys to suck it
With newspapers all over the country folding daily (pun…apologized for) or becoming online only web-link aggregate sites, it has to feel good for the staff of the embattled New York Times to show there are some things bloggers can’t do. Like scale the wall of a Taliban outpost in Pakistan after being held hostage for almost a year. I mean, I’m sure they’re equally glad to have reporter David Rohde back safely, but this is a pretty nice argument for “traditional news reporting is still relevant.” Let’s be fair, newspapers aren’t just going under because the internet ruins everything (though it does), but because investigative journalism is EXPENSIVE. It’s far cheaper to have a couple of web-guys collect and comment on news stories that someone else paid to dig up.
You know, like I’m doing now. Didn’t cost me a thing but a domain name and my utterly worthless time.
Two things about the story impressed me. One, that media outlets kept a cover on the story for seven months, lest the publicity endanger Rhode’s life, or a rescue attempts. Two, that David Rohde is fucking BAD-ASS. According to the story, “Rohde knew the reporting trip would be dangerous and that his editors would likely not allow him to make it. So he sent his editors an e-mail that he knew they would receive too late to stop the trip.” This isn’t even the first time the guy’s been kidnapped in search of a story - in ’96 he was taken prisoner by Serbian officials who accused him of being a spy, and tortured for 10 days. Screw Wolf Blitzer running around in a flak jacket, Rohde is the real Rambo of journalism.
Anyway, welcome home, sir. I’m sure you’ll have a hell of a story to tell.
Apparently fast food chain El Pollo Loco has been taking the piss out of KFC’s new “grilled” chicken because the recipe includes “beef powder” and rendered beef fat. To which I say: Why else would anyone eat it? Chicken sucks.
Know what most of this tastes like? Nothing.
Here’s the deal, and I don’t know if anyone else has realized this…but chicken tastes like sawdust’s ass. I appreciate that chicken farts don’t cause catastrophic global climate change like our gassy, grassy and delicious friends, the pig and cow, but my tastebuds don’t really care about the environment. The most prized part of the chicken, the super-good-for-you, skinless, untouched, virgin breast - that shit’s utterly tasteless.
My husband and I have had this debate many a time. We’ll go to an Indian/Mexican/Cajun/Moroccan restaurant and have a delicious meal made of the worst parts of the animal available. I will insist it’s a triumph of cuisine, developed and tested by centuries of poor ethnic people having to make do with the worst cuts of meat, but hey, those are actually the most flavorful, and they’re supremely spiced and marinated. Jay declares Tandoori chicken would be awesome if only it was made with premium chicken breast, despite the fact that breast-meat wouldn’t stand up to the heat of a Tandoor (500+ degrees, motherfucker!) and is so utterly bland it will dry out if you even look at it wrong. I’m not opposed to the occasional piece of dark meat (multiple entendre!), since at least that has a little bit of fat to add flavor. But overall, chicken’s just…blah. Why wouldn’t you smother it in beef fat if you wanted people to actually, you know…eat and enjoy it?
I will certainly agree that KFC may have been deceptive in presenting their grilled chicken as a healthier option to their usual heart attacks in a bowl - fried chicken on top of mashed potatoes covered in cheese AND gravy? Delicious, ingenious even, but for fuck’s sake we’re a nation of goddamn fatties…C’MON!
I am your deep-fried gravy dreamboat
Though I also think if you’re retarded enough to think anything at a fast-food restaurant is actually healthy for you, you deserve to die of heart disease. For chrissake, the grilled chicken sandwich at McDonald’s has more calories than the Quarter Pounder or the Hot Fudge Sundae. Also, it doesn’t taste as good, because it is NOT MADE OF BEEF.
Instead of mocking KFC for adding beef to their chicken, El Pollo Loco should have been taking a page from them. “All our chicken is bathed in beef fat for at least a week, then wrapped in 6 layers of succulent bacon!” That would have had me camping out in their drive-up, toot sweet. And I don’t even own a car.
As it is, I’m just thinking they’re jealous they didn’t think of it first.
Scientists awaken 120,000 year old frozen microbe
Seriously, have we learned nothing from “28 Days Later,” or “Left 4 Dead?”
The new bacteria species was found nearly 2 miles (3 km) beneath a Greenland glacier, where temperatures can dip well below freezing, pressure soars, and food and oxygen are scarce. “We don’t know what state they were in,” said study team member Jean Brenchley of Pennsylvania State University. “They could’ve been dormant, or they could’ve been slowly metabolizing, but we don’t know for sure.”
Know what I know for sure? That scientists are pretty goddamn trigger-happy about defrosting ancient bacteria before they even know what the thing does. Devour human tissue? Give dinosaurs a cold? Make your dick fall off? Who cares! The important thing is that we’re popping this fucker in the microwave for 7 months just to see what happens.
“Microbes have found ways to survive in harsh conditions for long times that we don’t yet fully understand,” Brenchley told LiveScience.
The key phrase here is “we don’t yet fully understand.” That’s what scientists usually say right after the Space Marine returns to Earth with super-human intelligence, and right before he impregnates his wife with the Alien Anti-christ.
The resulting colonies of the originally purple-brown bacteria, now named Herminiimonas glaciei, are alive and well. “We were able to recover it and get it to grow in our laboratory,” Brenchley said. “It was viable.”
So not only are they defrosting the thing, now they’re GROWING MORE OF THEM. Six months from now, if we end up dreaming fondly of the days of Swine Flu because Hermione Glacier has caused world-wide zombie apocalypse, we’ll all know who to blame:
SCIENCE
It’s like the old saying goes, “let sleeping microbes lie, lest they awaken with a terrible and insatiable hunger for man-flesh.”
I’ll be in the bunker until someone puts those suckers back in the deep-freeze next to the Otter Pops.
[side note: If this thing turns out to cure cancer, pretend I didn’t say any of the shit above. Thanks!]
I take on the Miss California kerfluffle, a subject I found severly lacking in news coverage for the past couple of weeks.
The boy walked slowly away from the fire, farting quietly. Another boy was also by the fire. Periodically the fire crackled higher as a fart hit the flames. The sky was devastating in its emptiness. Loneliness stretched over the plano like a threadbare Mexicali blanket. Wolves howled, making him realize just how incredibly lonely and devastated he was.
Reckon those frijoles might been on their last leg, he said.
Well Chester, I figure as long as these pants-splitting farts don’t prevent me from losing my virginity to Margarita at the fall barn dance, I reckon that be alright.
Why did you call me Chester?
That ain’t your name?
I thought you were Chester.
No I’m not Chester.
Well then who the hell are you?
I GOT NO FUCKING IDEA.
I don’t even know which one of us is talking right now.
With that the boy died suddenly in a tragically violent incident that ultimately went unavenged to illustrate the capriciousness of life. Later the other boy talked about philosophy and God in mangled Spanish with an old man who farted hilariously anytime he said Dios.
THE END
[note: This story will be amusing to exactly three people in the entire universe. Two of them will never read it.